If you’ve spent any time driving in New Orleans, you might realize that it’s… uniquely dangerous. Here are the five things all New Orleans drivers should look out for.
1. Left Turns Are Our Unicorn
The rest of the United States use a thing called a left turn when they need to make a left turn. But not in New Orleans! Turning left via a lit green arrow, designated lane or break in the “neutral ground” is often inhibited by the historic Napoleonic canker blossom, the “No Left Turn” sign. Citizens who are accustomed to turning left take heed: in New Orleans we live a different kind of existence.
Complicating matters further are the neutral grounds, more commonly known as “medians,” muddling our New Orleans streets with a lack of turn signals, street name signs, or, in many cases, even a complete lack of asphalt.
Here’s an educational exercise for NOLA driving rookies: Say, you’re driving down St. Charles going 35 miles per hour with only three other cars on the road. There’s an 87% chance that the person in front of you will have to pull a U-turn to get to their final destination. Be prepared for anything, as they will probably just slam on their breaks without warning.
To the untrained eye, it will appear that something is wrong. Traffic ahead? An animal in the road, perhaps? But what you’ll find is that they are just turning around to double-back to get to their street. If there’s a streetcar or pedestrian in the neutral ground, the driver will most likely just come to a complete stop in the middle of the road. You can ensure safety and success by STAYING ALERT.
There’s no real explanation for why New Orleanians leave their turn signals unused, or park in the middle of the street, or back up into two spots down a one-way driving lane in a parking lot. We like to blame these phenomena on two factors: 1. No left turns; and 2. Raymond Nagin.
2. The Crescent City Connection Will Be Congested at 8-10 a.m. & 4-6 p.m.
This is a simple fact of life if you’re traversing between the Banks. Things have certainly improved since the tolls were removed, but there’s still going to be an extra 5-10 minutes of traffic every single weekday.
It’s completely possible that the cause of congestion is in some way related to the mountain-like climb that cars must endure when getting on and off the bridge. New Orleanians, you see, are unfamiliar with hills. Those are scary, and when flatlanders endure the fallacies of the ever-congested GNO, it is purely a product of the Devil’s work. If you ask us, anyway.
3. The Roads Are Terrible
It might seem like a good idea to get a sportscar, perhaps even a convertible, down in the Big Easy. Our weather is warm, the sun is shining, and there’s nothing like smelling that boggy, thick air in the morning. But be aware commuters, the roads are absolutely atrocious throughout the city. Sprinkled throughout our fair metropolis are endless voids of wheel-poppin’, rim-bending, muffler-scraping hazards. Even if you live on a major thoroughfare, have a private driveway, AND are extremely careful, you’re probably not going to have much luck avoiding these crevasse-esque blights.
Potholes are the main culprit (we’re looking at you, Lakeview), but there are potential problems all over the city. Sewer drains are regularly sharpened by city employees (not really) to make even minor incidental contact a disaster. Manholes rise from the ground like small volcanoes, there is construction everywhere, the roads are extremely narrow, and, to top it off, there are still too many drunk (and sober) people driving like complete maniacs at all hours of the day. You’ve been warned.
4. Watch Out for Those Floods
If you have to drive through a low-lying area in the rain, you might take a moment to reflect on your life decisions. Even major thoroughfares such as Claiborne and Canal have been known to take enough water to cause serious damage to not only cars brave (silly?) enough to drive through, but also to those unfortunate enough to be parked nearby. You might think you’re safe parked off of the street, but if a particularly aggressive driver goes through standing water, it can create tidal waves capable of damaging, and even destroying, nearby cars. TSUNAMI!
Minor flooding can occur in just a few short hours, so it’s important to be aware of both the weather and where you’re parked. Otherwise you may find your car washed away into the black abyss of New Orleans muck.
5. WATCH OUT FOR STREETCARS!
The Internet is littered with pictures of cars whose drivers forgot to look for a streetcar when turning onto a neutral ground that crosses the tracks. Contrary to popular belief, the drivers will not try to hit you. In the event you do get into a fender bender with our famous streetcar, it’s your fault… no matter what. And he last thing you need is all of your friends and coworkers making fun of you, forever, for getting T-boned by a streetcar. They’ll never let you live it down. So, as my mama used to lovingly say, “Look both ways, idiot!”